Please help me ! Not too long !?

Wow that's really good. I don't think there is anything wrong with it. I like how we don't know what happened or who the characters are because it grabs the reader and makes them want to read more. It's very descriptive and I can actually picture what's happening in my mind. I can tell you really worked hard on this writing piece and you should definitly use it as a preface. If you make it a novel,I will be one of the many people to read it.